How should you respond when a loved one is sad?

Depression, sadness, negative thoughts consuming every etch of our being. It happens to the best of us. 

Majority of the time left untreated and eluded from any diagnosis, often mistaken as "just a phase"; depression and sadness is real. It exists in every nook and corner of your surroundings and yet, if someone does end up telling us that they are suffering from it... we really do not know how to help them. In Pakistan, it is rather common to hear that depression isn't an actual problem. That depression can be vanquished just by a few prayers and "getting over it". Now, I am no one to speak against the power of prayer. I personally feel that prayers do heal us, but guess what? Telling someone to "get over it" or "don't think about it too much" is horrible. 

Why is it horrible? Let's ask ourselves. This is me, asking you, how you're feeling about something. You respond that you feel really demotivated, unhappy and wish you could escape. What is the response you would like? Positive or negative?

Here is the negative and common response: Don't be thankless, be grateful for what you have. There's no need to make a mountain out of a molehill. Oh please! You're being so dramatic. 

Here is the positive response:




Are you looking for the response? There is none.

The best thing you can do is hear them out. It sounds elementary, but unfortunately, very few of us are good listeners. I remember before I decided to study psychology and counseling, I would hate it when people would keep talking and I would not be able to share my 2 cents on every highlight of that story. Now, I have learned the power and endless benefits of listening. Listening has taught me more than books could possibly teach me and I have made some amazing, life-long connections because of this immense bond created just by hearing them out.

Listen. When we listen to people, many things come to the surface that can be resolved without them sinking into an abyss of depression, sadness or anything that feels negative. It brings most people out of that zone, because they feel like their emotions are real and most importantly, that they belong.

Listening shows your respect for your loved one, how you acknowledge what they have to say and give them the space to. Remember, a dialogue is between two people. It becomes an exchange only when we listen to each other.

One of the greatest things about listening is that when we talk less and listen more, we learn more. So, not only are you providing a catharsis for the speaker, you are learning to be more empathetic and patient. You are learning human expression, emotion and of course, you are a shoulder. A friend. Someone that doesn't shun them by shoving advice. Advice is great, but understand that none of us are in the other party's shoes. When someone communicates to us, they probably tell us 60% of the story. Also, they have a set personality, so advising them something that is out of their comfort zone might not be followed. When we simply listen to people, we understand people much more and our tolerance threshold enlarges.

The way to listen efficiently is also an art to muster. Do you have that one person who listens to you even if everyone else is talking over them? This metaphorical person is the true essence of someone who understands the power of empathy, care and attention. 

Here are some tips to become an effective listener: 

1) Make Time 
If someone you care for has mentioned that they are depressed, sad or going through a bad phase... prioritize making time to carry out effective communication with them.

2) Bring It Up
The most important way to help someone get out of a bad state is by remembering what they told you. Take charge, bring it up, ask constructive questions and let them speak.

3) Be Attentive
Put your phone on silent and listen, nod and understand their perspective. When you don't divert your attention, it creates a sense of trust. If the loved one is a child, sit on their level and communicate efficiently. 

4) Responding
This will happen a lot longer than you usually would reply. Once the speaker is done communicating, give them constructive feedback and not just straight up "you should do this" or "you should stop doing this" advice. Nobody listens to that, people do as they please... don't you? 


Lastly, please do not breach anyone's trust in this process. This is merely a basic form of practicing being a good listener and helping someone get out of a bad phase. One of the biggest benefits of effective listening is that it makes you much more efficient in your daily life. You will improve your memory, your patience threshold will increase and most importantly, it will make you understand the power of empathy, care and love; which is something we need more and more each day.