KHAAS -- How could I love a narcissist?

Mujhay koi "naa" kaise kar sakta hai? Naa ka sawal paida hi nahee hota.
"How can someone say no to me? There is no chance of being rejected."

As any Pakistani female would enjoy, I also love watching a handful of Pakistani dramas. Recently, a new production by HUM TV caught my eye. The protagonist Saba meets this absolute dream-boy Ammar, so that they can get married in the typical arranged marriage set up that is popular in our country. Ammar is a classic narcissist, possibly even a sociopath. Nothing can justify this behavior. This behavior is toxic and it has the power to ruin the person associated with them. Being self-obsessed is not narcissism, it is the lack of accountability for your actions and their consequences.

Narcissism, a term you should never MISUSE.

Have you ever met someone who was charming, knew all the right words to lure you in and then destroyed everything? Well you might have experienced a narcissist of the highest order. No, it's not uncommon at all. Majority people are narcissists.

Initially the narcissist comes off as a charmer, an absolute sweet-heart and they seem like the most genuine person you've ever met. Some people have more charm than others and pronounced charm is a huge red flag when it comes to identifying a narcissist. They do not feel the same emotions, remorse and guilt as normal neurologically healthy people do. Another common extreme that narcissism leads to is sociopathy. Sociopaths become conscienceless due to childhood trauma and genetics, they realize fairly early on that they don't feel things as others do. The difference between a normal person with a traumatizing childhood and a sociopath is that a sociopath will use that trauma to benefit them. This is where the power of sympathy comes in.

Sociopaths know they are different. They will cloak themselves in a sense of humility, be it by becoming religious or by shape-shifting their personality to get what they want. They learn how to act efficiently to pass in society which is why we are shocked when they show their true, awful colors. They view us as a lower, less intelligent neurotypical species and learn how to charm us by using the "mirror" effect. They make themselves relatable just to get what they want. They learn how our whereabouts work, what norms we believe in and what makes us happy... simply to get in to our zone and let them use and abuse it all.

They also produce higher levels of testosterone or hormones which make them sexually more attractive. But one major downside to this medically proven reason is that sociopaths come off as hyper-sexual, which doesn't help with fidelity. Naturally, sociopaths don't feel any guilt or remorse, so cheating on us would really make no difference to them.

Narcissistic abuse and therapy go line-in-line. Most people end up marrying or dating a narcissist and later want to improve their well being and move on from that phase. If you have also managed to encounter a narcissist, first of all, I am very sorry that the human race has come down to such a awful state and secondly, you are not alone; help and healing is possible and very easily available now.

The thing about living with a narcissist is that leaving them is one of the most difficult things to do. Narcissistic abuse is real and has the power to completely shatter someone. One of the biggest outcomes of dealing with narcissistic abuse is that we tend to replay those abuse episodes in our head where we were manipulated ever so easily. In the law of attraction, it is clear that negativity should be understood completely but after that it should be removed from your thoughts so that we can start anchoring into more positive ways of thinking.

The strategy that people have when it comes to break-ups is unrealistic. The "get up and get on with it" practice is not helping anyone. We all know that this is a phase we will get over, but having knowledge is not the solution. When you break off with a narcissist, this is a spiritual connection that you can simply not push through or wake up differently after. The power a narcissist has over you is immense, whether you admit it or not. The kind of pain that one suffers by loving a narcissist cannot be 100% healed, that is how powerful a narcissist is.

Unfortunately, the truth is bitter and our experiences do demotivate us from being happy again. But being knowledgeable helps us recognize such behaviors so that we do not nose-dive into them. Consider seeking help for narcissistic abuse instead of feeling bad for loving someone who could hurt like that. The universe saves us from endless pain, it is our choice to see this escape as a blessing.  

DEPRESSION (The Truth)

Before I begin writing my 2 cents, let me clarify: Depression does not lessen anyone's worth, it is not a character flaw, it is not weakness. Depression is one of the most poorly understood conditions on the planet. Due to the lack of awareness and lack of experts in the market, people who are depressed end up feeling even more depressed. 

More than 4 million people suffer from depression. Although, many myths remain... what may seem as a loss of appetite, being distracted more often, sleeping troubles, low self worth and exhaustion.. this is depression. Depression is not "all in your head"... it's a global disability. 

I am not talking about the extreme, most paralyzing, regions of despair – where medical help is vital. As indicated by Thoreau’s phrase – mired in moods of ‘quiet desperation’: we feel exhausted, close to tears, beyond the sympathetic understanding of others, easily irritated and daunted by the simplest tasks. Triggers. These are simply triggers. But how is something like this triggering us?

The fear of rejection, anxiousness in our entire being, ending up alone, having no authenticity... these are just fears. Certain actions around us trigger these fears and insecurities. The once brave and ambitious child is now a failure, your peers are beyond you and this sadness and hopelessness consuming you almost feels wrong. Society gives us endless opportunities to be happy like marriage, better jobs, social media, plastic surgeons and what not, and yet it feels like it is impossible for us to be happy. Nothing we do or engage in can bring us out of the deep grief we have consumed ourselves in.

Grief: The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Emotional reactions of grief can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and despair.

Grief is the most normal human behavior you can exhibit. If you do not feel any sense of grief, you are either senile or dead. Simply as a virtue of being alive we will experience grief at every given day. Every given day something will make our stomach drop, our eyes water or bring us trouble... be it unfair criticism at work, overlooked by a parent or bullied by someone at school. We will be disgusted by our own stupidity and gullibility, our inner cowardice and how we constantly feel the need to change ourselves to feel GOOD. We will quit college to get into a shitty job, marry the wrong person, hurt the right person and we will witness the ones we love suffer and die while we are very much alive; the reasons for feeling low or demoralized touch everyone. 

This feeling of sadness is universal, normalized and a part of our adulthood... which is why we are so fascinated by the happiness and innocence of children, as they do not know the concept of suffering. Every single day, you will witness many reasons to be in despair, lose hope in humanity... just read today's headlines for example: prices are high, diseases are incurable and people are dying from terrorist attacks... if this doesn't worry you too much, just believe that your brain is doing an excellent job keeping you in denial. But of course, one fine day that tiny violin it plays for you, will break, and so will you. That's what we say ever so often... "he broke me apart" "this news tore me apart" all this isn't you being dramatic, it is very real. Very human. Very normal. To experience this is to experience your ongoing breathing. Hand-in-hand. 

So what triggers this sadness exactly? A need for love and sympathy (I'll do a separate article on why having a need for sympathy isn't healthy). Every single person on this planet... be it the person having all the riches in the world, the one always traveling, the one in a happy marriage or the one who is most beautiful... if we could only see into their minds, we would know that we are indeed not alone. As alone as we feel. It's a strange concept that we live so close to one another, social media exists and yet nobody wants to openly explain how they feel. Repeat after me: DEFENSE MECHANISM

Nobody is mean or unapproachable, nobody is a slob. Everyone is simply sad, and if we see an acquaintance being sad, we feel compassion and empathy. If you help others in your day-to-day life, please spare a little bit of compassion and love for yourself. Self care, justifying your feelings in the form of self expression is just a small step to help yourself be. Just be. 

We cannot escape our life and the monstrosities of it too, that's the bitter reality. There are so many people who rely on us, even if that presence doesn't feel real right now. When you worry about the future, remember that life is simply something based on chance. The chance that you can experience a somewhat happier future is existent and maybe your mental flexibility after acquiring so much pain... will strengthen you and make you face your fears, or at least, for a while. 

Being sad is simply being human. You are as normal as you can be. Life is merely going on in it's own special... dark way; exactly how it was meant to. 

How should you respond when a loved one is sad?

Depression, sadness, negative thoughts consuming every etch of our being. It happens to the best of us. 

Majority of the time left untreated and eluded from any diagnosis, often mistaken as "just a phase"; depression and sadness is real. It exists in every nook and corner of your surroundings and yet, if someone does end up telling us that they are suffering from it... we really do not know how to help them. In Pakistan, it is rather common to hear that depression isn't an actual problem. That depression can be vanquished just by a few prayers and "getting over it". Now, I am no one to speak against the power of prayer. I personally feel that prayers do heal us, but guess what? Telling someone to "get over it" or "don't think about it too much" is horrible. 

Why is it horrible? Let's ask ourselves. This is me, asking you, how you're feeling about something. You respond that you feel really demotivated, unhappy and wish you could escape. What is the response you would like? Positive or negative?

Here is the negative and common response: Don't be thankless, be grateful for what you have. There's no need to make a mountain out of a molehill. Oh please! You're being so dramatic. 

Here is the positive response:




Are you looking for the response? There is none.

The best thing you can do is hear them out. It sounds elementary, but unfortunately, very few of us are good listeners. I remember before I decided to study psychology and counseling, I would hate it when people would keep talking and I would not be able to share my 2 cents on every highlight of that story. Now, I have learned the power and endless benefits of listening. Listening has taught me more than books could possibly teach me and I have made some amazing, life-long connections because of this immense bond created just by hearing them out.

Listen. When we listen to people, many things come to the surface that can be resolved without them sinking into an abyss of depression, sadness or anything that feels negative. It brings most people out of that zone, because they feel like their emotions are real and most importantly, that they belong.

Listening shows your respect for your loved one, how you acknowledge what they have to say and give them the space to. Remember, a dialogue is between two people. It becomes an exchange only when we listen to each other.

One of the greatest things about listening is that when we talk less and listen more, we learn more. So, not only are you providing a catharsis for the speaker, you are learning to be more empathetic and patient. You are learning human expression, emotion and of course, you are a shoulder. A friend. Someone that doesn't shun them by shoving advice. Advice is great, but understand that none of us are in the other party's shoes. When someone communicates to us, they probably tell us 60% of the story. Also, they have a set personality, so advising them something that is out of their comfort zone might not be followed. When we simply listen to people, we understand people much more and our tolerance threshold enlarges.

The way to listen efficiently is also an art to muster. Do you have that one person who listens to you even if everyone else is talking over them? This metaphorical person is the true essence of someone who understands the power of empathy, care and attention. 

Here are some tips to become an effective listener: 

1) Make Time 
If someone you care for has mentioned that they are depressed, sad or going through a bad phase... prioritize making time to carry out effective communication with them.

2) Bring It Up
The most important way to help someone get out of a bad state is by remembering what they told you. Take charge, bring it up, ask constructive questions and let them speak.

3) Be Attentive
Put your phone on silent and listen, nod and understand their perspective. When you don't divert your attention, it creates a sense of trust. If the loved one is a child, sit on their level and communicate efficiently. 

4) Responding
This will happen a lot longer than you usually would reply. Once the speaker is done communicating, give them constructive feedback and not just straight up "you should do this" or "you should stop doing this" advice. Nobody listens to that, people do as they please... don't you? 


Lastly, please do not breach anyone's trust in this process. This is merely a basic form of practicing being a good listener and helping someone get out of a bad phase. One of the biggest benefits of effective listening is that it makes you much more efficient in your daily life. You will improve your memory, your patience threshold will increase and most importantly, it will make you understand the power of empathy, care and love; which is something we need more and more each day.